Hey, you like-a da Pope? We like-a da Pope, too. Ya know, not like like, but like. The Popes come from a long distinguished line of clergy, but over the last 2,000 years or so, some real weirdos crept into the big chair. Here now are the 15 Strangest Pope Facts. None of them include the world’s strongest Pope or the Pope with a record deal. Bow your head before reading.
15. The Anti-Popes
Imagine you got a promotion, say at the bank. You became the head teller, but someone felt you weren’t right for the gig. Then they declared themselves the “Anti-Head Teller.” That’s kind of what the Anti-Pope movement was about. Fortunately, none of these Anti-Popes ever came into contact with an actual Pope, or the Catholic Church would’ve ceased to exist.
14. The Pope That Broke The Bank: Leo X
Supposedly after becoming Pope, Leo turned to his brother and said, “Since God has given us the papacy, let’s enjoy it.” What followed was one non-stop party which drove several of the Pontiff’s banks out of business after he died. Rock on, Leo.
13. The Man That Sold The Papacy
Benedict IX sold the his position to his godfather, Gregory VI who may or may not have had a slice of orange peel in his mouth at the time.
12. The Littlest Pope
Pope John XII was elected Pope at the age 18, which is kind of like giving the Vatican keys to your son just after graduation.
11. Popes Can Change The Day
When Pope Eugenius II traveled to Paris, he decreed that Friday would be Thursday so that the faithful had an extra day of fasting. If only Leo X had known, then he could’ve decreed the whole week a weekend!
10. The Mushroom Pope
Pope Clement VII loved mushrooms more than Mario. He decreed that they were illegal to eat so that there would always be plenty for him. God punished him with irony, sending him a poison mushroom.
9. Action Pope: Sixtus V
Sixtus V was the Batman of Popes. When the Colosseum became a haven for bandits, he disguised himself as a hermit, visited the bandits and fed them drugged wine so that his guards could capture them. He was one bad mother—. Shut your mouth! I’m just talkin’ ’bout Sixtus V!
8. Pope Death Hammer
How do you know if your Pope is dead? Why you need the special silver hammer, of course. When a Pope dies, it is the acting Pope’s responsibility to tap the corpse on the forehead to make sure he’s dead. Kind of like Maxwell’s Silver Hammer, only more holy.
7. The Pope’s Dream Chair
The current pope will have his chair carved by a Hungarian carpenter that saw the design in a dream. He’s also going to carve a “secret message” in it. May we suggest, “No more boy f*cking.”
6. Weekend at Alexander’s
After Pope Alexander VI died, his entourage scrambled to steal his stuff faster than Goldman Sachs looting the U.S. Treasury during the bailout. By the time his body was put on display, it had swelled so badly it wouldn’t fit in the coffin. Plus, gas escaped from every orifice, and it did not smell like incense.
5. The Pimp Pope
Sixtus IV sold licenses to brothels in Rome, and taxed priests who had mistresses. It is also rumored he wore a purple velvet pope outfit, with leopard skin trim and gave tips to Starsky and Hutch.
4. The Gay Pope
Julius III was generally a good pope, considering his predecessors at the time. However, he did fall in love with a 17-year-old man boy and made him a cardinal. Rumor has it he was incredibly neat, whistled show tunes during the service and really did a number when he redecorated Vatican City.
“I’ve got a Pontiff…in my pants!”
3. The Torture Pope
Forget waterboarding, Urban VI complained when he couldn’t hear the cardinals he’d sentenced to torture screaming loud enough. See Dick Cheney? It’s not too late for you to join the church.
2. Pope Formosus
After a short tenure as Pope, it was extended when Boniface IV, his successor, dug up his corpse and put it on trail. This later inspired the smelliest episode of “Law & Order” ever.
1. Papal Testes Tester
The Vatican actually had a special seat to see if the Pontiff was actually a man. A young cardinal would feel the Pope’s nads and confirm his gender. This was later misinterpreted by priests everywhere. Man, you thought you had a crappy job.
After all of that, it’s time to go back to church. Check out the 10 Songs It Would Be Most Awkward To Sing In Church and you can’t miss the Church of “Star Wars.”
Posted by Tony DiGerolamo, who has never checked a pope.
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