We simply adore sweetened juice-like soda alternatives, but we’ve always felt like Kool-Aid was too awesome for us. We had always wished for a drink that was just as artificial but was one thousand times less appealing then the popular powdered packets. Then we found our perfect product: Funny Face!
OK. Listen, Funny Face sugar-sweetened drink mix. You suck. Let us tell you why.
The Top 5 Reasons Why Funny Face Is The Lamest Drink Of All Time
5. Your Super-Lame Spokescartoon
First of all, your spokescartoon, Goofy Grape, is neither goofy nor, we believe, a grape. His name should be “Factual Eggplant.” Seriously, all Kool-Aid Man has to say is “Oh Yeah!” and we’re totally into it. Goofy Grape just keeps rambling on, and he doesn’t even seem very enthusiastic. Ugh. Go away.
4. Your Super-Lame Math
There’s nothing that makes a drink seem more delicious than math. Yes, Funny Face, two quarts is more than one quart. Argh! We don’t want to do math! It’s summer time! Screw you!
3. Your Super-Lame Claims
Your claim that you will cool us off when we are hot is a lie. That is what the ice does. The ice cools us off, not you, Funny Face. Not you. Stop trying to take credit for what sweet, simple ice does. What did ice ever do to you? I mean, besides make you tolerable. Man, you are a jerk.
2. Your Super-Lame Racism
OK, this point is from another (older) commercial, but still. Really? Injun Orange and Chinese Cherry? Really? We’re gonna’ go there now? Really, Funny Face?
1. Your Super-Lame Inability To Sell Your Product
Here is the best thing you can say about Funny Face. “We’re a lot, when it’s hot!” There is more of it. OK. Is that the best thing you can say about yourself? That you have an extra quart? Two quarts of gross are NOT better than one quart of gross, no matter how hot it is outside! Funny Face! You are the worst!
BONUS: Your Super-Lame Song
Fine. We’ll give Goofy Grape some credit. He is much goofier here. Much, much, much goofier. However, this may be the worst thing we have ever heard.
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