There are a lot of terrifying ads out there. And a lot of terrifying dolls. We’ve found the best of both! Or the worst, depending on how much of a scaredy-cat you are.
Here they are, in order of awfulness!
10. TATTOODLES
There’s a lot wrong with Tattoodles. First of all, what parent wants to encourage their kids to get so into tats that they tattoo their hair? Also, she says she’s “in love” with Tattoodles. Really? “In love?” Maybe Tattoodle‘s bada## ink and vacant stare has captured that little girl’s heart a bit too strongly.
9. CRICKET
“How could we make Teddy Ruxpin even freakier? Oh! I know, we can make her into a little girl, and have her mouth move almost imperceptibly as her eyes dart back and forth like she’s waiting for the police to burst in at any moment! Kids will love it!”
8. MAGIC NURSERY
Lesson to little girls: in order to determine the sex of your baby, remove its clothing. Do not look at the baby’s body. This will offer no information. Dissolve the baby’s PJs in water. This is the only way to tell if you will be happy and your baby will have pretty hair and a dress, or if you have a stupid boy baby and your parents have to go buy you another one. Magic!
7. BABY FACE
We’re not sure exactly why Baby Face scares us so much, but it does. Maybe it is because if you watch the commercial with the sound off, it seems like an evil witch is turning these children into frozen dolls. My baby face is terrified, and so am I!
6. BABY FIRST STEP
“Something’s different about Mattel’s Baby First Step!” Damn straight. That baby is a zombie. Shoot it in the head.
5. BABY ALIVE
Hey, kid, are you sure that your baby is human? Are you totally sure that isn’t just a rejected Star Wars alien ? Because we’re not convinced.
4. SWINGY
Swingy is like Baby First Step, except with epilepsy. We actually love this commercial and the groovy song that comes with it, but the little girl at the end clearly isn’t pleased!
3. CHATTY CATHY
For anyone who’s seen the “Talking Tina” Twilight Zone episode, this commercial will send chills down your spine, and bring up all those old nightmares. “My name is Talking Tina, and I’m going to kill you. “
2. SNACKTIME CABBAGE PATCH
There is so much that is wrong with Snacktime Cabbage Patch Kid, but really, this excerpt from an amazing New York Times Article says it all,
“The doll has battery-powered, mechanical jaws that move when it is fed the plastic carrots and french fries that come with it. But in some cases the doll clamped onto the fingers and hair of children and would not let go”
Aaaahhhhhhhhhhh!
1. BABY LAUGH-A-LOT
Oh, God. So Awful. The giggling. The head-turning. The announcer. Everything about this commercial is horrifying. And that is why we’ll love it forever.
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